Time after time. I find myself drawn to the farthest place on campus. The baseball field. It began in early May. I wanted a place to go away from everyone. I went on runs, thinking I was getting in shape, but I would just stop by the baseball field, sit in the dugout. A lot happened this summer, and a lot changed. But one thing that didn't change, and still hasn't, was how drawn I was to this place. This huge field that some people don't even know is tucked away behind the softball field. I have no connection with it; I've never watched a game there. But for how vast and peaceful it was, I always found myself drawn to it. I probably spent hours there praying. Sometimes jogging laps, but mostly just sitting and praying. For wisdom. For strength. For my friends. For the summer. I guess that's where I went a couple times a week. Just to sit with God.
That field, and those dusty old dugouts, is wonderful, and by far one of my favorite places on this campus.
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My friends and I liked to sprint together this summer. We drove to Shadowlands late one night, me, Hannah, Damarise, Sonya, Micah, Jimmy, and Matt, and found people already there. Playing soccer. Nope. I knew where we should go. "Just drive up to the baseball field. It's a great place to run." After all, I did this every day, why not have people with me for once. I don't think some of them realized how big of a field it was. How much space we had for just a few people. We threw the football a while. I wish I could throw as far as boys. But at least my spiral is better. But that was just a warm up. It was time to sprint. We lined up at the far end, getting ready to run straight across. Lined up, I was suddenly uncomfortable with how many people were going to beat me. I'm proud of my six high school track records, but all those boys were so much faster. Someone gave us the three command start. Off we went. There's something about sprinting....it's like I can suddenly breathe even better. Everything seems right in the world and I don't ever want to stop. The boys destroyed me. I guess I tried to just ignore them.
I asked one or two of them to run my pace with me. Just one sprint. I wanted someone my speed to really push me. They did. But then they just went right ahead and beat me at the end. We ran back and forth on that baseball field so many times. Not until I was tired did we stop. I probably could have gone longer though. I don't miss high school, but I miss running. I miss being one of the fastest. I miss running on an actual track. But I guess that baseball field was almost just as good.
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Late one afternoon, it was cloudy and cool. Work was done for the day. Faith and I couldn't stand our apartment anymore, so we just went. On a walk to wherever we ended up. I guess I knew where I was going to lead us. We got to the baseball field, went to my usual dugout and just talked, staring at the empty field. Some things this summer were really rough, for both of us. But we were there for each other.
It started to rain. Just a little at first. It was refreshing. Glancing around the dugout, I was thrilled to find a whole crate of baseballs. Twenty at least. I smiled at Faith. "Let's throw them." We walked along the gravel, stopping when we came to the perfect spot. The whole field was open before us. So much grass. We threw. As far as we could. Over and over. Until they were dispersed across the field.
The rain got a lot heavier. Faith yelled and ran into the dugout. I picked up the baseballs and walked over and joined her. But then I smiled, unzipped my jacket, took my hair out of the ponytail, kicked off my shoes, and went back. It'd be more fun in the rain. More refreshing. I went to the second base and threw them (all mine this time) towards the dugout. Faith, dry in the dugout, cheered me on with each throw. I got soaking wet. It was pouring. I kept throwing them. My shirt stuck to me, my hair was in my face, as wet as if I'd just gotten out of a shower. But I threw them all and kept yelling and jumping up and down as if each throw was the winning pitch in the World Series.
There's something about the rain. There's nothing quite as cleansing. That was the happiest I'd been in days.
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Late one night, I couldn't do any homework. I couldn't focus on anything. I had just gotten back from a memorial service. A memorial service I never ever would have wanted to go to. For one of my classmates. I cried a lot. I just couldn't stand it. He was so great. So strong in his faith. And day after day I find myself doubting God, having a hard time trusting Him in everything that is stressing me out. It made me feel awful.
I made my roommate stop what she was doing. "I need to go on a walk." She dropped everything and, silently, came with me. We didn't talk for a long time. Maybe not until we got there.
It was completely dark at the baseball field. It's not often that I go in the complete darkness. First making sure no one else was there, we went to the middle of the field. The grass was a bit damp. But that didn't stop us. We laid down on our backs. The sky was so clear. Hundreds of stars. It was amazing. Just thinking about how great and awesome God is....it gave me shivers. We stayed there for a long time. Rebekah knew I'd been having a rough day. I guess our whole school had been. I asked her what she was thinking about. "Megan," she said, "you have no idea how much God loves you."
I think I started crying again.
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It was late evening. I was sitting on the bench in the dugout. A storm was coming. I could feel it in the wind. Temperature dropping, sky darkening. But I was angry.
I knew what I was looking for, because I had looked for them before. I felt around in the crate on the shelf. I found them. Two dirty, old baseballs. Not as many as last time, but two was good. Smiling to myself, I kicked off my shoes, held onto my skirt blowing in the wind, and simply said to Amy, "Follow me."
I tossed her one of the balls when we got to the center of the field. I didn't need to tell her what we were doing. We just threw them both into the outfield. As far as we could.
There was lightning in the distance. We started to feel tiny drops of rain. It didn't matter.
I walked over to the pitcher's mound. It was getting darker by the second but I could just make out home plate. I stood in the center of the mound, looked down at the red dirt in between my toes. I guess not many people stand on a pitcher's mound wearing a pretty white blouse, navy cardigan, and peach floral skirt. I guess clothes doesn't affect throwing ability, so I didn't care. I patted down my skirt, brushed my hair out of my eyes. Amy knew what I was doing. She knew I was upset. She gave me her baseball too.
I threw it as hard as I could right over home plate. And again. And I just kept throwing over and over. Amy tossed it back. I could've kept going all night. It started to rain. The wind picked up. The clouds weren't just a thing in the distance. They were above us now. It was really dark. Hard to see home plate. But nothing stopped me.
Amy finally walked back over to me. "Can we go?" Nope. It was time for me to vent. I guess I'd had a really long week, and I was so tired. There was a storm around us, we were getting wetter and wetter, our hair was blowing in our eyes, it was dark. But we stayed on the mound. In the middle of it all. I think I cried. But it just blended in with the rain drops on my face. Amy stood patiently. Letting the rain drench her, until I finally stepped off the mound to head back. I guess we couldn't be out there forever.
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Sometimes I feel so trapped in at Covenant. But I guess I know where to always go.
